60 Famous Demetri Martin Quotes

Demetri Martin Quotes : Demetri Martin is educator he used to inspire people by their quotes, Demetri Martin Quotes is famous all over the world. Today we share with you best collection of Demetri Martin Quotes that might you inspire and show the best way to live life.

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About Demetri Martin Quotes “Demetri Evan Martin is an American comedian, actor, director, cartoonist and musician. He was a contributor on The Daily Show. In stand-up, he is known for his deadpan delivery, playing his guitar for jokes, and his satirical cartoons. He starred as Ice Bear in Cartoon Network’s We Bare Bears. Wikipedia

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Demetri Martin Quotes

My credit card company says I have an outstanding balance. I’m flattered.
Demetri Martin

I’m a body builder, but I don’t use weights. I use snacks. It’s kind of a different building process.
Demetri Martin

I am bravery. I am courage. I am valor. I am daring. I am holding a thesaurus.
Demetri Martin

There is probably more invisible tape out there than we realize.
Demetri Martin

I wonder if it’s rude for a deaf person to talk with food in their hands.
Demetri Martin

Demetri Martin quote: People only mention it’s a free country if they’re doing something shitty.
People only mention it’s a free country if they’re doing something shitty.
Demetri Martin

Demetri Martin quote: When people show me pictures of their kids, it’s okay. But when I…
When people show me pictures of their kids, it’s okay. But when I give them a picture of me, to show to their kids, I’m weird. What kind of one way street is that?
Demetri Martin

I was walking in the park and this guy waved at me. Then he said, ‘I’m sorry, I thought you were someone else.’ I said, ‘I am.’
Demetri Martin

“I can tell how lonely I am by how easily I’m fooled by a mannequin in a store.”
— Demetri Martin

“I like to use ‘I Can’t Believe it’s Not Butter’ on my toast in the morning, because sometimes when I eat breakfast, I like to be incredulous. How was breakfast? Unbelievable.”
— Demetri Martin

“I have an air mattress. It’s great because if someone tries to suffocate me in bed I can just poke a hole in it and use it to stay alive.”
— Demetri Martin

“Specifically in stand-up, I love jokes. I love short, structured ideas and a punchline.”
— Demetri Martin

“I just found out that I have more allies than America!”
— Demetri Martin

“Parades are man’s attempt to make traffic exciting.”
— Demetri Martin

“I wonder if, as a society, we will ever be able to call someone a jive tofurkey.”
— Demetri Martin

“I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that’s 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says ‘go outside.’”
— Demetri Martin

“There is a fine line between a sleepover and just drinking way too much at someone else’s house.”
— Demetri Martin

“Vampires probably don’t have great breath.”
— Demetri Martin

“A jerk on a motorcycle is equal to a leaf, because I find it beautiful when these things fall.”
— Demetri Martin

“A good name for a gang would be The Uneducated Idiot Tough Guys.”
— Demetri Martin

“There is probably more invisible tape out there than we realize.”
— Demetri Martin

“Statistics indicate that the average American is a guy named Brian who lives in Ohio.”
— Demetri Martin

“Having a beard is a good way to make your face more susceptible to velcro.”
— Demetri Martin

“I think the best thing about being dumb is that it makes magic a lot better. Where the hell did that rat come from? I dunno, but I’m calling the cops because he just cut that lady in half.”
— Demetri Martin

If I had a bookstore I would make all the mystery novels hard to find.
Demetri Martin

I need to develop some patience – immediately.

Sometimes if I really want to get someone’s attention, I’ll start a sentence with something like, “I’m not racist, but…” I say, “I’m not racist, but you look great today.” They say, “That wasn’t racist at all.” I said, “I know. I said I’m not racist. You never listen. Typical Mexican.”

I’m so secretive that when someone asks me, Hey, can you keep a secret? I say That’s none of your business.
Demetri Martin

It is a little ironic that one thing a babysitter should not do is sit on a baby.
Demetri Martin

100% of the people who give 110% do not understand math.
Demetri Martin

If you really think about it, hitting the snooze button in the morning doesn’t even make sense. It’s like saying, ‘I hate getting up in the morning-so I do it over… and over… and over again.’
Demetri Martin

I wonder how they deal with mice at Disney World.
Demetri Martin

When someone describes themself as a taxpayer, they’re about to be an asshole.
Demetri Martin

A Wednesday with no rain is a dry hump day.
Demetri Martin

When I stub my toe it’s like I pressed a button that plays all the curse words I know.
Demetri Martin

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